I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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