Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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