That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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