Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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