i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
