If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
