Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
