I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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