hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
