I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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