I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
