It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
