The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
