Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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