Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
