last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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