Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
