nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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