First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
