To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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