Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
