My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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