my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
