Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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