no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
