It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
