If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
