I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
