i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
