cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
high people should be assigned attendants
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
