GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
