Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
