You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
