thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
