shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
