did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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