like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Drunk is a universal language darling
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
