It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
