I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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