i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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