so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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