all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
