theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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