There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
