I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
