I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
