your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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