In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
false alarm. still invincible.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
