It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
