Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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