we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
