He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Found the puke drawer
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
