then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
