That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
