omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
