fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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