So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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