Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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