You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
